Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
