the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
