I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
i think im in europe. pls send help
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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