she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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