The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
our cab driver is having phone sex.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
How external is "for external use only"?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
