if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
