apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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