i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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