He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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