Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
