Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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