Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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