ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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