So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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