I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
