im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Randomize
