I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
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it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
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The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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