It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
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