look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
