So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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