Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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