with your own penis?
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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