I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
