Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
My pussy is not your playground.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
