i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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