I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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