Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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