I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
