"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
