Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Randomize
