how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Randomize
