Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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