my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Your cock deserves a montage
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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