best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
