There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
