He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
