Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
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The Swedes wanted a tensome.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
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He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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