seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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