Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
