I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
