i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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