More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
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The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
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