it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
