Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
third nipple confirmed
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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