Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
