Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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