So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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