Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
