Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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