Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
