he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
