I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
