Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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