I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
i think i just lost a toe
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
