my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
