If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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