I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
