About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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